We Don't Need You Now

You used to tell me, that you wanted things to be different. I thought I knew what that meant, but now I know the truth. You wish you didn’t hurt the people that you “Love” you want to stop lying to everyone. You can’t though, you’re afraid to, doing that would show how weak you really are. How easy it is to take you down. I’m even stronger than you, and I’m barely even alive anymore. You killed what I had left of sanity, I became a servant to you and see through all your lies. But I keep my mouth shut like a good little bitch, we treat each other horribly but still ask favors, we still give in to what we want naturally. But we hate each other, we can’t stand what we do, but we do it anyway. Nothing stops us, not love, not shame, nothing. We just keep acting on instinct and destroying each other. Now I’m stuck in the middle, I love you both but only one of you is true. Soon it will end, or maybe a new start. A new life, a new beginning that brings all of us fear and sorrow and burns our lives to the ground.

Over the years, I keep getting worse and worse. Now I have to get better, I can’t live like this anymore. It hurts too much to think about you, it’s like my heart stops beating. I remember how I feel about you, everything you said to me and how it was all a lie. I just can’t take it, I can’t die because I’m not allowed to. I promised others I would live, so that’s what I’ll do. I’ll just take away everything that made me love you, I’ll start a new life. In a calm world that understands me, and I understand them; I need to try this “Normal’ thing. I was “normal” for a few days and it helped me see who I really am, it made me like myself a little bit more and made me hate you. Until I saw you, I didn’t want anything to do with you. That’s the way it should be, since soon I won’t ever see you again. I’m sure you’ll call upon me again, and this whole thing will start all over; but for now you need to get away from me. FAR away from me, before things get bad. I want you to be happy, and live a happy life. You will find someone else that understands you. You don’t need us, we need each other and you know that. Just let it go. Let US go.

I'm getting there

            I can feel everyone getting tired of life, they get worn down when they have to keep helping everyone. They start giving less and less advice, it becomes more cruel then it was a few days ago. We get tired of helping the helpless and just want the world to open it’s eyes and see things for the way they are. To stop moping around, asking everyone for help when the answers are obvious. After years of that behavior you can pick out the people who are doing the same thing you did, even if it wasn’t too long ago it can seem like forever. It can really annoy someone to see this happen, over and over; of course the one’s doing it are blind, they don’t see what they are doing wrong at all. They think that these problems are truly problems and that they need to be fixed right away. Just looking at all the topics, it’s exhausting to have to pick one out and try and help them fix there problems and tell them everything is okay. To sit and try and help, knowing that they are just ignoring it all and they are just going through the motions of trying to get help. It just becomes entertainment. We get exhausted, some days are worse than others depending on what other topics we were following today. We snap, and just stop being nice to everyone and tell them how it is. We can’t tip toe around their feelings anymore since they don’t want to do the same for us. Sure I have done it, we all have. But that doesn’t mean we can’t stop others from doing it.

            I am really hoping that the doctor’s can help me, I don’t want to have to keep living life in this way. It’s just too crazy, I want to be more normal and live more efficiently. I can’t live life freaking out over everything, I have to just let them help me and do what they need me to. I don’t want to keep having to wait, but it would be nice to just have things work out for me. I can’t give up on this, I have to do it for myself and for my life.  It might be hard, but I have to just deal with it. 

Mentally Exhausted

After spending some time on forums helping people with their problems I have noticed that there are a lot of people who act like I used to. I started going to that forum so I could get better at giving people advice, but I think I need to take a step back and just look at everyone else’s advice before trying to help other people. It just all becomes too much sometimes because I keep giving the same generic advice over and over, then when someone else gives get advice, I go off of that; but I want to be the one to give the great advice. It just gets so exhausting to keep saying the same thing over and over again, hopefully it will get better and advice will come easier. It’s hard without any background information on the people. I don’t like to be so mean, but it is what people who need help respond to. Maybe I just need a break from it all, I know that real counselors see their own therapists because they deal with other peoples problems all the time. 

Shakespeare Is In My Blood

Oh I wish I could write

And make it flow

Like a Midsummers night dream.

To craft words

Pretty as a rose, that by other name

Is just as sweet.

To recite from a balcony, to a sun

as beautiful as my dear Juliet.

To slay the hearts of my followers

As Hamlet did his Father.

She's Lost: For Becca

Soft, like feathers

Lost, like the one loan sock

Hidden from the world.

Never to be seen again,

We all know where she hides.

But she can’t find herself, and so she dies.

Watching Him Go

This poem is about a boy leaving for college. A mother and his lover are standing side by side, they don't know who each other are. The first four lines are the girl, then the next three his mother, then the girl again.

This is what they said: 

Oh goodness, goodness, goodness, what I am to do.

A little lost girl in this big brave world

Soon I will be left to my own devices and I need to study more, 

Train, and learn how to live with my Love so far away from me.

I hope he will be okay being so far…and free….

just what he always wanted.. free..

I still see him as a little boy, young and so far from 18,

So far from freedom, and so close to me.

The perfection that he had was amazing.

What we made was almost pure, but…...with precautions taken…so his life isn’t burned.

Snowflakes

I want to be a snowflake

Falling from the sky.

Snowflakes are smiling,

They are happy just being snow.

All of them different

All of them pretty.

I want to be happy,

Like the beauty all around me

Cheerful,

Shining,

Beautiful snowflakes.

I want to be a snowflake

Just like you.

An Emotional Mayhem

So, apparently I’m lazy and I can’t fix my own problems. I can’t leave the  house because people will see me and make fun of me. I don’t want them to see me. It’s really hot out too, and I won’t get to eat. Becca doesn’t even want to talk to me about it, that’s great. I don’t want to have to go outside, but it’s looking like I might have to. My inspiration for that will be gone by the morning, it would be better if I could just go now. I have nothing to wake up my mind, so I just get to mindlessly sit here all the time. I can’t write because I hate writing mindless pointless things that just take up space.

I’d fix myself if I had more to do, I would. I just can’t stand sitting here, but I don’t want to leave the house. There is nothing in here to do and nothing on TV. I don’t know what I am going to do now, I have nothing to do no  one to talk to and no ideas.

I want to have a life, but that just doesn’t happen. James has already gotten into the life style of work and doing nothing else, which may become a problem at somepoint but that doesn’t really matter right now. What matters is that I have to get myself in order. I’m not really sure where to start, there is a lot wrong but it is all caused because I spend all my time just sitting around dwelling on it. I don’t have anything around here I can do and because of the way I keep acting I am afraid James will leave me because I almost forced him into this relationship. I don’t want to lose him because I have no idea if I’m going to be able to handle that at all. I’m pretty sure it would destroy me. So until I get an answer from him I just get to worry about that, so this is just going to be a wonderful night where I just get to sit around and worry because he wants to play Xbox. I know he will get around to texting back, which is why I don’t really worry about it all that much anymore, it just makes it hard sometimes when I want an answer from him on something. I know he will have a point in time of just replying and that’s okay. I also know we talked a lot earlier, which was good even though he was working. Which means he cares. It just gets urksome sometimes to not have him reply when I know he isn’t really doing anything.

I’ll live, I’ve been through worse with him. I just worry too much, I don’t want to lose him. I’m sure I won’t, but you never know. I do feel like I forced him into this and I don’t want him to be there if he doesn’t want to be. Waiting any longer to be with him would have been too painful to deal with. I don’t really know what I can do. I get like this when I went tired but I can’t spend all of my time sleeping, that just wouldn’t be right. I need to simulate myself more so I am doing something with my time.

Everything is going to be okay, It always is and I just need to stop worrying about everything. I don’t have to worry about something that isn’t happening yet. It just isn’t fair to myself. I just have to take a step back, stop trying to force myself into happiness and just be who I am in this moment. It is just too stressful to try and get myself into a different state of mind, I am fine the way I am and the way I am physically. Because I keep trying to force myself into happiness, I think that all of me needs to change when it doesn’t. I have to just take it slow and stop rushing myself, time isn’t going to go any faster just because I want it to. I have to take it step by step, moment by moment and stop trying to predict what will happen next. The world doesn’t work like that and I just need to stop acting like it does, I can’t change the face of time just because I want to be happy.

If I want happiness I just have to take things slow and enjoy the time I have, I can’t just keep getting mad at everything. I take things way to seriously and think that the world will end if I am not constantly doing something.

I need to just slow down, not everything needs to be figured out right now. I can take my time and just take things as they come I don’t need to plan out everything in my life, it just doesn’t work like that. Just slow down, take a breath and let things happen the way they should.