So, apparently I’m lazy and I can’t fix my own problems. I
can’t leave the house because people
will see me and make fun of me. I don’t want them to see me. It’s really hot
out too, and I won’t get to eat. Becca doesn’t even want to talk to me about
it, that’s great. I don’t want to have to go outside, but it’s looking like I
might have to. My inspiration for that will be gone by the morning, it would be
better if I could just go now. I have nothing to wake up my mind, so I just get
to mindlessly sit here all the time. I can’t write because I hate writing
mindless pointless things that just take up space.
I’d fix myself if I had more to do, I would. I just can’t
stand sitting here, but I don’t want to leave the house. There is nothing in
here to do and nothing on TV. I don’t know what I am going to do now, I have
nothing to do no one to talk to and no
ideas.
I want to have a life, but that just doesn’t happen. James
has already gotten into the life style of work and doing nothing else, which
may become a problem at somepoint but that doesn’t really matter right now.
What matters is that I have to get myself in order. I’m not really sure where
to start, there is a lot wrong but it is all caused because I spend all my time
just sitting around dwelling on it. I don’t have anything around here I can do
and because of the way I keep acting I am afraid James will leave me because I
almost forced him into this relationship. I don’t want to lose him because I
have no idea if I’m going to be able to handle that at all. I’m pretty sure it
would destroy me. So until I get an answer from him I just get to worry about
that, so this is just going to be a wonderful night where I just get to sit
around and worry because he wants to play Xbox. I know he will get around to texting
back, which is why I don’t really worry about it all that much anymore, it just
makes it hard sometimes when I want an answer from him on something. I know he
will have a point in time of just replying and that’s okay. I also know we
talked a lot earlier, which was good even though he was working. Which means he
cares. It just gets urksome sometimes to not have him reply when I know he
isn’t really doing anything.
I’ll live, I’ve been through worse with him. I just worry
too much, I don’t want to lose him. I’m sure I won’t, but you never know. I do
feel like I forced him into this and I don’t want him to be there if he doesn’t
want to be. Waiting any longer to be with him would have been too painful to
deal with. I don’t really know what I can do. I get like this when I went tired
but I can’t spend all of my time sleeping, that just wouldn’t be right. I need
to simulate myself more so I am doing something with my time.
Everything is going to be okay, It always is and I just need
to stop worrying about everything. I don’t have to worry about something that
isn’t happening yet. It just isn’t fair to myself. I just have to take a step
back, stop trying to force myself into happiness and just be who I am in this
moment. It is just too stressful to try and get myself into a different state
of mind, I am fine the way I am and the way I am physically. Because I keep
trying to force myself into happiness, I think that all of me needs to change
when it doesn’t. I have to just take it slow and stop rushing myself, time
isn’t going to go any faster just because I want it to. I have to take it step
by step, moment by moment and stop trying to predict what will happen next. The
world doesn’t work like that and I just need to stop acting like it does, I
can’t change the face of time just because I want to be happy.
If I want happiness I just have to take things slow and
enjoy the time I have, I can’t just keep getting mad at everything. I take
things way to seriously and think that the world will end if I am not constantly
doing something.
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